my job. i unblock, i solder, i tighten. 22 years of looking under people's sinks. you learn a lot about mankind down there, and none of it is good.
my passion. the upturned roofs of the ming dynasty make me cry. i once fitted a dragon shaped gutter for a customer who had not asked. he called the police.
my reason to live. glazed ribs, braised belly, pork in caramel. i do not leave the house before 2 pm. lunch is sacred, and lunch is pork.
his name is big dennis. he weighs 412 kilos. he is not for eating. he is the chief executive officer.
he owns 51 percent of the van. he has never fixed a pipe. he comes to every job, sits in the doorway, and judges.
he walks across this web site whenever he wants. you cannot stop him. click him. he hates it.
| job | price |
|---|---|
| unblocking a sink | 80 |
| unblocking a sink, with a lecture about the roofs of the forbidden city (the lecture is free, you cannot refuse it) | 80 |
| replacing a water heater | 450 |
| replacing a water heater with a bronze incense burner | ask me |
| urgent leak, on a caramel pork day | refused |
| yellow glazed tiles on your garden shed | free, for pleasure |
| asking me if i prefer chicken | + 200 |
| training a reinforcement learning agent to find your leak | 4 gpus and a roast |
| call out to stratford | i cannot |
"he fixed my leak in four hours, three hours forty of which were about a wooden temple. the leak is gone. i am not the same woman."brenda ★★★★★
"i wanted a mixer tap. i now have a mixer tap and strong opinions about the song dynasty."gary ★★★★☆
"he arrived with a toolbox and a roast. he would not start until i tasted it. flawless work."mrs. pritchard ★★★★★
"my toilet now has a four sided hip roof. i did not ask for this. it is magnificent."kevin ★★★★★
kevin's toilet. actual photo. i am very proud.
legend says the forbidden city has 9,999 and a half rooms. i have 9,999 and a half washers in my van. i do not believe in coincidence.
the dougong is a system of interlocking wooden brackets that holds up a roof without a single nail. i tried the same with a bathroom. there was a flood, but a beautiful one.
yellow glazed tiles were reserved for the emperor. this is why my van is yellow. i am the emperor of the trap.
a good braised pork takes three hours. this is exactly my average response time. nature is well made.
official portrait, taken on a train, a few seconds before a major revelation about traps. the look says: "your joint is loose, and you know it."
plumber in the morning. amateur sinologist in the afternoon. reptile oncology researcher in the evening. pork eater full time.
he never blinks while unblocking. do not read this.
his third eye is in fact an inspection chamber, four inches wide, fully up to code.
research progress: 73 percent (sometimes less)
🧪
!! peer review pending since 2014 !!
i am faithfully married to three water heaters and one mixer tap. they know about each other. the mixer tap is jealous. the wedding was in my van. gerald officiated.
i watched 400 hours of oussama ammar talks on the dvd player in my van. i now say "fundamentally" before every quote. my startup: uber, but for traps. valuation: one roast, pre money.
the only dish i respect that is not pork. gravy is a fluid, and i understand fluids. a good cheese curd squeaks like a healthy valve. i put pork on it anyway.
i left a pagoda in stratford. they know which one. i am not allowed back, but my heart is still there, and so is my best wrench.
i went to find a sloth with a blocked drain. i found him. he said "pura vida" and handed me a wrench i had never seen before. i was gone two weeks. the sloth is still thinking about my quote.
my true passion. i build reinforcement learning environments in the van. the agent is a plumber. the reward is pork. the episode never terminates. try mine below.
>>> env = gym.make("plumberenv-v0")
>>> obs = env.reset()
you are a plumber. the observation space is under a sink.
step: 0
total reward: 0 pork
done: false (it is never done)
policy: random, like the plumber
i flew to punta cana for a plumbing conference. there was no conference. i stayed three months.
i fitted a bidet on the beach. nobody asked. i learned bachata from a man they call the engineer. i now eat mangú for breakfast, with pork, obviously.
big dennis came too. he has not worn a shirt since. he never wore one before either.
my van runs arch linux. my boiler runs arch linux. gerald runs arch linux, on the testing branch, because he is a snake and fears nothing.
i have not finished a single plumbing job since i started configuring my window manager. it is nearly ready.
$ neofetch os: arch linux (plumber edition) uptime: since 2009 packages: 9999 (and a half)
i was bitten by a radioactive ballcock in 1998. since then i can cling to any ceiling, as long as there is a pipe on it.
i do not shoot webs. i shoot teflon tape. it does not hold my weight. this is why i am usually on the floor.
with great water pressure comes great responsibility. my aunt told me this. she was also a plumber.
by day: plumber. by night: also a plumber, but in a balaclava. the police have asked me to stop.
meaning: it will flood, but you will eat well.
copper carries water, heat, and the souls of old heating engineers. never solder on a full moon: the flux will not take, and something watches you from the crawl space.
| pipefan_88 | great site. where is the pork recipe. you promised. |
| gerald | ssssss. |
| a_concerned_neighbour | please take the roof off the bus stop. |
| a_sloth_from_costa_rica | pura vida. please collect your wrench. |
| stratford_council | this is your final notice. |
| mixer_tap | who is she. |
| arch_user_1998 | have you tried reading the wiki. |
| the_engineer | hermano. you still owe me for the bachata lessons. |
| concerned_citizen | there is a man in a balaclava on my ceiling. he fixed the tap. five stars. |
| webmaster | thank you all. no. |